"Who are you?"

    

    "Who are you?"

     Well, you are me, I am you. We are all the same. Your trials are yours and my trials are mine, but aren't we in this together?

     It doesn't matter if you are rich, poor, dying, thriving, free, trapped, educated or not, we are all the same. You bleed, I bleed, we all bleed the same. You question your worth, I question mine. I struggle to find words at times, you speak with ease. I feel less than you, maybe you feel the same. Last night, I may have struggled with suicidal thoughts, you found the strength to pray. 

     Since I have been young, I have struggled with self-worth and confidence, maybe you have too? Connection is the key to freedom. Connection brings the darkness out into the light, where we don't have to hide anymore. 

     Darkness likes darkness, it likes people to isolate, "you are better off alone," it says. Wrong. We must fight the darkness in our own minds, and reach out to others and connect. 

     When you are in deep depression, addiction, or simply a mom lost in a sea of priorities other than taking care of yourself, you must reach out. You must seek the light. 

     For far too long, I hid, thinking I was all alone in this depression, these addictions, and a life of chaos-dealing with a dying husband, children, and jobs to make ends meet, that never seemed to meet our needs. 

     People, constantly were putting me on a higher level, saying, "I cannot believe how you do all you do!" Little did they know, I was slowly dying inside, yearning for a hand to pull me out, rescue me. 

     There were many nights in psych wards for me, there were many nights dealing with police, there were many nights I was running from who I was, searching for that kid who only dreamed of a quiet family around the table. Why couldn't I just reach out? Why did I feel like I needed to hide my struggles from everyone? One, there is a stigma in this culture that says Mormon woman aren't "naughty." Two, I didn't want to humiliate my family, so I hid who I was, my struggles, my addictions, my failures as a mother and wife. 

     How many of you could relate? How many of you can say, "I have felt the same way?" Connection is the key to overcoming depression, addiction, and gaining self-worth. 

     In this blog, I will be sharing my struggles of being a mom, wife-now widow, addict, and a Child of God. Come see how I have changed my life through self-love, connection, and forgiveness of myself. 

     This is scary for me to become vulnerable and honest, but if I can help one woman or man, feel free enough to speak out against their own struggles, and connect, it will all be worth it. 

     This journey has not been easy, but it has been worth it.