Secret Love Affair

Riding in the big green van, 2 kids, 1 sight impaired husband, mom half asleep at the wheel, stereo screaming, "B I N G O..and BINGO was his name...o!" Conversation consisting of the following:

"Mom, guess what?"

"Mom, did you know that trains go fast?"

"Mom, why does the equator split the earth in half?"

"Mom, I have to pee!" 

"Mom, I have to go pee, again."

"Mom, Riley is annoying me."

"Mom, S..... is annoying me!"

Just a few reasons, why my love affair is back, and in full swing. 

Riding in the old red truck, no kids, no husband, no conversation, mom still half asleep at the wheel, stereo screaming, "It's my life...now or never, I ain't gonna live forever!," and "Have a nice day!" Lovin my Bon Jovi! 

My life has been  like a screwdriver the last 6 months, constantly turning...and going nowhere. Somehow, I have gotten lost in the turning and chaos, but I have found myself in my old red truck. 

Nineteen-years-old, and I bought my first new truck, put every mile on it, and even bought it without knowing how to drive a stick-shift...learned that day, in fact. I was living away from home, no mom or dad to lean on. I was finding myself, learning who I was, no ties to anyone. It was awesome. My truck takes me back to my freedom days, my younger days, my carefree days! I found me again, in my beat up, beautiful red truck. 

Lately, I have been an office assistant, daycare provider, foster mom, Halloween Sales Associate, Wife, Guide Dog, Negotiator, Taxi Driver, Counselor, Maid, Teacher, Leader, Friend...where did I go? 

There is something magical in an old truck, and I love it, I can be at a red light with a huge 2011 Dodge Ram next to me, and I don't envy him a bit-not even the shiny coat of paint, cause I have memories in my old truck, it is paid for, it never breaks down, and there is nothing like driving an old truck down the road, shifting into fourth gear. Nothing like it...unless you have the radio blasting, because that is a must! 

I have many memories of squeezing into my dad's old yellow Toyota, the feel of the scratchy sunburned seats, the dusty smell of a long overdue dashboard cleaning, yelling at my brother or sister to stop sitting on me, and going through the ruts of mud in the canyon, or simply feeling the breeze on my face sitting in the bed of the truck. Or, memories of my Grandpa's old Chevy with the 8-track tape deck, and the old cowboy hate hanging in the back window with the gun rack, and the smell of pink mints that Grandpa used have in his pocket or mouth at all times. 

How could I not love sitting in my old red truck and remember who I am and where I came from....simpler times, life is crazy, and I wish I could slow down, but I step right into my love affair on my way to work everyday. 

Happiness is...

Fifth grade choir group, and I still get this song stuck in the old brain from time to time. There isn't any better time to be reminded of this than now, for me anyway. Takes me back to my childhood.

Happiness Is

Music and lyrics by Clark Gesner 

From the Movie "Your a Good Man Charlie Brown." 

Happiness is finding a pencil.
Pizza with sausage.
Telling the time.
Happiness is learning to whistle.
Tying your shoe for the very first time.
Happiness is playing the drum in your own school band.
And happiness is walking hand in hand.
Happiness is two kinds of ice cream.
Knowing a secret.
Climbing a tree.
Happiness is five different crayons.
Catching a firefly.
Setting him free.
Happiness is being alone every now and then.
And happiness is coming home again.
Happiness is morning and evening,
Daytime and night time too.
For happiness is anyone and anything at all
That’s loved by you.
Happiness is having a sister.
Sharing a sandwich.
Getting along.
Happiness is singing together when day is through,
And happiness is those who sing with you.
Happiness is morning and evening,
Daytime and nighttime too.
For happiness is anyone and anything at all
That’s loved by you.

Finding Peace.

Finding Peace. The road to finding peace is a tough one, a road that is not easy, but it is a road we all must take.

There are several key moments in life that change us forever, the moments that change your core, the being you are to become.

When I was in my "tweens," as they call them now, I had a few life changing experiences. One, was an experience I never talk about, and never will on this blog, but it has changed me forever; it was a trial that changed the way I look at the world, parenting, and my trust in humanity was tarnished. Two, the youth groups in my church were invited to feed the homeless under the 6th Street viaduct in Salt Lake City, it was this experience that changed my look at people, compassion, and what I wanted to do with my life...I would never be the same. Three, my family was sealed in the Provo Temple, at this experience I learned that God loved me, and that I loved my family more than ever, and that if I did what was right here on this earth, I could live with them forever. If I did what was right....that is what stuck in my head, and still does.

Another momentous experience in my life, that has helped me through my life, was the Holy Ghost, the Comforter, the Still Small Voice....whispering to me in my bedroom in my parents' home when I was around 17. "You will never have children of your own." I can hear it plan as day in my head to this day. I know that my Heavenly Father gave me that gift of knowledge to help me overcome the challenges I would face as an infertile woman.

Without the experiences that I have mentioned here, I would not be who I am today, plain and simple.

Without the trial of which I cannot speak of, I would not be as willing to understand others who are going through similar heartache, I may not be compassionate and understanding to the individuals I come in contact with on a daily basis being a Foster parent. I firmly believe that, after going through much heartache and pain with my trial, I can honestly say...I am on the other side of pain, and am now on to gratitude for the humility and spirit of forgiveness that trial has taught me. I am strong, I am willing to help, and I am happy.

Without the experience of interacting with the homeless, I may not look at all people as children of God...sure I would know they are children of God, but now I see them as children of God. On this occasion, my leaders had asked us to serve the homeless dinner for Christmas; and if we had any donations bring them to give to needy. As a young kid, I went through all my "crap" and donated all my unwanted toys I was "done" with. One of my jobs while serving these incredible people was helping the parents go through the donated items of toys for their children for Christmas. One man in particular, I can still see his scruffy, sad face...looked at me, age 11, and said, "can you help me look for some books that I can give my twin boys who are 2?" As we looked through the "crap" he came across some books I had donated (thrown away really), and he said, "these books would be wonderful, they would love them." I helped the man put my "crap" in his bag...as he smiled for the first time. What a lesson! I will never turn my back on my fellow man, I will serve others as though I am serving my very Savior. I learned that day to be grateful for the life I have, and how lucky I am to have the life I have been given. I only hope I can pass this onto my children.

Going to the Temple with my family was an amazing experience that will always be close to my heart. I can remember looking in the Eternal mirrors with my family and thinking to myself, "forever." As a wife, I looked into those mirrors with my husband, looked into them again as a mother, and cannot wait to look into those mirrors again as we seal our new son this coming year. "Forever." I am so grateful for the life my Heavenly Father has allowed me to have.

Being infertile has not been easy, and at times I have been downright angry. It is hard to watch your family and friends "pop" babies out like gumballs, year after year....and smile, as your heart is torn in two, praying to God, asking, "what did I do to deserve this life?" Well, the ringing of the Holy Ghost is strong in my ears, as I have come to peace with, "you will not have children of your own." Ah, but I have so much more! Without the trial of infertility, I would not have my precious Riley, and experience the  miracles that came with her arrival, let alone the testimony that was gained from this experience.

Without infertility, Fostering children would not be a part of my life, I don't believe. I am grateful for the experience I get in working with these wonderful, brave, kids...and the things they teach me, Riley, and Chris. Plus, I would not have my "Soy boy," my new buddy (son).

As many of you know Chris is not always in the greatest health, recently he lost his sight, again. However, he has regained sight and is fine...but during that week or so, I was constantly at peace because I know that this time of earth is but a small time.

I am so grateful for the lessons that I have had in my life...and the trials. I am at peace, I know I am not alone, and that God has a plan for me and my family, I just have to trust in Him. It has taken many years for me to find peace, but I am happy I did.

I know that I will always have bumps in the road of life, but their is always two sides of a bump...and I will eventually get there, and be on smooth ground again. 

Here is my Riley as a baby:

No words...only hands.

This past month, I have worked ever so hard to get my new son to bond with me, to trust me, and to love me as I love him.

My son, grew up in a different world than many of us, "normal folk;" from homelessness to lack of affection from a mother and father...and the basics of life that so many of us take for granted, such as food, shelter, and love.

February 28, 2011 was the first time I hugged my new son; it was superficial nonetheless, but it was a hug to me.

March 2, 2011 was the second time I hugged my son; it was still superficial, but a hug to me.

March 3, 2011 I showed my son his new room, and his new home. I hugged him, again.

March 4, 2011 my son came home. We welcomed him with open arms, hearts, and the other children were excited to show their new brother the ropes of movie night: Pizza, treats, and movies, and sitting on mom and dad's laps. It just so happens on this night, as we were on our way to get the treats and pizza, my son said, "can I stay with you?" We replied, "yes, as long as you would like, even forever." "Okay, I will stay with you forever," was his reply. This night, I hugged my son, and kissed him ever so tightly, even though he may not have known how much I loved him. His hug was stiff and sort of forced...for he never really hugged and kissed before entering my home.

During this past month, I have kissed, hugged, and loved my son with all my heart, and yearned for that moment when he would squeeze me back, and kiss me on the cheek, because that would mean he has caught on to the way love goes. A kiss from mom means, I love you, a hug from mom means, I will never leave you, the words, "I love you," really mean just that, "I love you."

For a little boy who was never taught to trust, and show emotion with an adult, is making strides daily! I receive at least 30 hugs and kisses from my son a day! This coming from a boy who was never taught how to show love, because when most of us were born our mothers held us and loved us everyday, not my beautiful son, but now he will be taught...I will never, never give up on him.

Every day I tell all my children how much I love them and I show them this love by hugging and kissing each and everyone of them. It is funny to see the difference in each of my children when it comes to trust and love: Riley, has always known love, and even may take it for granted some days, but what normal kid doesn't...I guess I am grateful that she can take my love for granted, that means she knows love.  My 8-year-old, craves love, seeks it out, she needs my love. My 2-year-old, needs my love, he too, is missing the touch of his "real" mom, in fact, he gets mad if I show love to any other child! Now, my 4-year-old, could take it or leave it...he doesn't know he needs love, but I will teach him how it feels. Can you imagine growing up without the touch and love of your mother and you are now 4? I have my work cut out for me, but it is a challenge I will accept.

When Riley was very little we taught her how to say, "I love you," before she could even speak, with sign language. When my two foster children came, I too, taught them to say, "I love you," with their hands (my 2-year-old could only say a few words when he first arrived at my home but now can actually say, "A uve u"). Now, with my new son, knowing he would struggle with affection, I taught him the sign for love immediately!

Whenever I leave the kids, I sign, "I love you" to them, whenever I am not in earshot to speak the words, I sign...I always have. I actually have a video of Riley when she was 3 at a preschool play signing, "I love you" from the stage. Precious memories. My foster kids have even taught their birth mom to sign, as well, and for Christmas we bought her a "I love you," signing pin for her shirt. Since my son has been here, I sign to him constantly, but with no response back from him, but that is okay, he is learning, and I don't need him to do it back, but I have yearned for him to sign back.

March 26, 2011, as I was leaving to take the girls on a field trip to the store to learn about money, the boys were in the tub, and I peeked my head in to say goodbye to "my boys." The boys wanted to hop out of the tub and "give mom hugs!" Chris said, "no, just say goodbye and that you love her." My heart pumped fast, and the tears held back, as I looked at my two naked baby boys in the tub signing, to ME, "I love you mom." BOTH OF THEM!. Love can break the sorrow and pain of my son, I will succeed. I love my children with all my heart and soul.

Hug your kiddos tight, you never know just how much they might need it. I know I will.  

Here is Riley on St. Patrick's Day. The Leprechaun turned the oatmeal green. Later that day, we had our annual Leprechaun treasure hunt...it was great fun for the kids, cause 3/4 of them had never had green oatmeal and a Leprechaun hunt. I wish I could show you pics of the other kids, but by law I can't, I will when I can though.