Hidden....

   

     When I was fifteen-years-old I tried my first drink and abused prescription medicines. Trying to cover up the hate I had for myself, the shame I felt, the pain that I felt inside, I needed it all to go away. Somehow, I wanted the hell inside of my own head to quiet, to subside just enough for me to survive.
     Most people in my life, have never known my addictions or struggles with alcohol, I think. I hid behind many things such as, religion, humor, politeness, and genuine love of people. People who have known me for a long time, may be surprised, or even angry that I hid it so well.
     Recently, about eight years ago, my addictions and really started to surface, again hiding, but this time I was getting in trouble and needed help from close friends and church members. You can't hid fire trucks and police cars from your neighbors for long.
     Chris and I were having a difficult time in our marriage, Chris had become permanently blind, and my kids as much as I love them, were difficult (having came from Foster Care), needing much attention and care, and I was working multiple jobs to keep us afloat financially. Please, don't get me wrong here, I love my husband, would always care for him and my children; they were my number one reason for living (later, however, I would learn I need to live for myself first).
     Four years ago, Chris was rushed to the hospital, as most of you know with life threatening illnesses, which lasted until he passed on June 7, 2017. During these four years, I fought hard for my family, I worked my ass off, took good care of my husband and kids, and I was proud of myself for all that I could accomplish, and hide what was really going on behind closed doors. There were times when I wanted to give up on myself, and was admitted to the hospital for suicidal ideation and attempts, and several overdoses. None of which I am proud of or bragging by any means, I only want to portray the truth, I want others to know that there are others who have felt the same way, you aren't alone.
     Judgment is big in our society, families, and our neighborhoods. There have been times when I have been told by loved ones, I needed to stop being so selfish....please, please, put yourself in my shoes. Yes, I fear judgement for writing about my addictions, some people think that we always choose the drug or drink over them, yes, the first time was a choice, and the brain is changed in a way that it then seeks that drug or drink over everything else in life...even your family. Remember, I started at fifteen when I didn't have kids, husband or any real responsibilities. Yes, there are many that think a person can simply, "stop," but it isn't that easy, it takes finding the reason for the addiction and fixing why we used drugs in the first place (shame, guilt, hate, pain, abuse).
     For example, today, I was faced with a difficult task of cleaning up Chris' bedroom downstairs; this is where he lived until he died. I cried for a half an hour about a toothbrush. Chris has been dead a year now, but throwing his toothbrush away made it so hard and "official," so see, a non-addicted person would ration a healthy way to deal with this situation, but my addict mind automatically wants to drink the pain away. I had to make a decision to go to an ARP (church's AA) meeting, and be around other addicts.
     This fight will be something I will have to fight for the rest of my life, and yes, I am trying to recover one day at a time- one minute at a time.
     However, I am done hiding, this is me, working on myself to live, does that mean I will never mess up again? I hope not, but if I do, please, don't give up on me.
      My sister sent a quote that I appreciate very much...."Love the addict, hate the addiction."