The Hand that Reached Out.....

   

     Five days, five days I will not get back in my life again, five days I will never remember. The last thing I remember was taking a fist full of drugs, hoping to never awake again. Nearly, I succeeded, the ER losing me to an overdose. Finally, I awoke in a strange bed, in yet, another psychiatric ward. How long had I been there, how long had I been asleep?
     When I was finally released back out into public, I went straight back to using drugs to cover up my pain of losing Chris. I was making horrible decisions left and right. It wasn't that I didn't want to stop drinking and using, I couldn't.
     For years, I had entered the 12-Step Addiction Recovery meetings, hoping for a miracle to change my addiction, to finally feel peace from needing substance to numb the pain and heartache. For years, I prayed for help. Step One was the step that seemed to stop me in my tracks...being honest, letting go of my control, giving my life over to my Heavenly Father, and trust in Him.
     Once again, I was high sitting in a 12-Step meeting, yearning for help, but unwilling to try anything different, I was not going to get anything different without change.
     At the end of the meeting, a stranger approached me, asked me if I needed help. "No, I was okay," I said. My new friend insisted that I meet with a friend of hers, a therapist at a rehab. I couldn't do a rehab, my kids just lost their dad, they needed me at home, even as unhealthy as I was, or so I thought in my addictive mind.
     My good friend and Bishop, who has supported me for so many years, convinced me to meet with the rehab, how he got me there, I still don't know.
     My hood covered my face as we entered the building, still drunk. I didn't want to hear what anyone had to say to me, most of all a "know it all, " rehab staff, they didn't know me, they didn't know my situation, I could handle myself...I had been doing just fine for years. I took care of a dying man, children, held down jobs, I could handle this.
     My attitude towards this meeting was very poor. I was willing to do an outpatient program, but not an inpatient stay as they wanted me to do. I fought for the outpatient long and hard, but as my Bishop looked at me and said, "if we take care of your children, will you go?" I trust my Bishop with my life, my kids. The counselors, staff, and everyone in this room was looking at me as if my life depended upon this stay; I could sense the urgency, my life was on the line.
     Within an hour, I was approved to enter into inpatient rehab at Renaissance Ranch. How did this happen? How did I get tricked into this?
     I entered Renaissance Ranch on September 1, 2017, but because of my alcohol limit I had to come off of the alcohol and pills on my own. I was to return to the Ranch on Monday the 4th. Over the next couple of days, my Bishops were checking on me to make sure I hadn't had any seizures during my withdrawls.
     My stay at the Ranch was from Sept. 1st, until December 5th of 2017. There are so many things I learned about myself and why I was an addict, that I cannot thank them enough for all the love and patience they gave to me, and never-never giving up on me. The unconditional love I encountered at this sacred place is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. This Ranch saved my life, and my kids' mom.
     I hope to continue to share some of my insights and journey through the 12- Steps of AA in this blog, and I hope I can inspire someone to reach out if they need help.
     This has been the hardest post for me so far, admitting to all of you that I went to rehab, that I was bad enough that I needed rehab. I am learning to forgive myself from my past mistakes, and move forward into the light.
     Thank you for listening and sharing this journey with me.