We all have this desire to connect to people, to feel loved and accepted, no matter who we are or what we do. However, we have this fear of being vulnerable and honest about how we really feel, "what will they think of me?" We can't let people see us fail, or be human for heaven's sake!
During my life, I have refused to let people in, in fear of rejection or ridicule. Since 2010, my life has spun out of control, I have lost myself while taking care of my ailing husband, and my crazy kiddos.
People come up to me, "you are so amazing, you take care of Chris, work, and take care of your beautiful kids! I could never do what you do!" Instantly, I feel like I am living a lie. What would they think if they really knew how much I was struggling? When people ask, "what can we do for you?" I immediately say, "We are fine, we are good." However, I am sinking, I can't buy groceries, my house is a mess, my power is being shut-off, Chris had just fallen and needed to take him to the doctor....but needed to be at a kids IEP meeting! So, instead of reaching out, saying ,"yes, I need a helping hand," I pretend to not need anyone, I can't seem selfish or weak!
Over the last seven years since Chris has become blind, and developed his many illnesses....I have chosen to cope with other things to fill that void of happiness, to numb my sadness and depression. I have pretended to be "fine" for so long that my addictions and depression have taken over my life. Talking about this and opening up about this is scary and hard for me, but I am on a journey of sobriety and healing. Please don't judge me! I have worked the 12-steps for six years, but it hasn't stuck. Maybe, being open and admitting I can't do this alone will make a difference, I need help from loved ones and my Savior.
Trials in life are never easy, at times you just feel like giving up. Why is this happening to me and my family? How could God do this to my husband?
My nerves are high, as I worry about what admitting this will do to my friendships, or family relationships, but the risk to me is worth it....I am going to die if I don't try.
Tonight, as I sat in my meeting, the spirit was so strong...I have to keep going, I have to put one foot in front of the other, everyday. Maybe, having the Lord on my side, I will be able to reach my goals...no, I know having Him on my side, I can conquer anything if I have faith and trust in Him and humanity.
Oh Brook, you are brave and such an example. You got this, one step at a time. I have known you for so many years now. There is absolutely nothing you could say that make me want to be your friend less. Please do not hesitate to let me know if there is anything I can do. You are beautiful inside and out.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing! The fact that you are trying and moving forward shows what anyone who knows you feels in an instant, you are amazing! And being amazing doesn't mean perfect! We love you! Sending prayers your way.
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