Watching Him Deteriorate

    

     He was a older man, one eye, bald....um, he was not for me, or so I thought. Our first date was very normal, movie and dinner, and a short ride afterward. He says he knew I was the one for him, but I was not convinced, yet. Our second date, was kind of weird at first, but then we went to him home to get something to eat, but it is what came after that made me fall in love with him. He started to play, "I feel my Savior's Love," and man, I knew I loved this crazy guy. It was the beginning of it all.....
     When Chris and I were married about a year, we decided to move to Cedar City, Utah. It was the best move we ever made. We were married for about eight years before Riley came along so we had a good amount of time together, just us, which may have seemed hard at the time since we wanted a child so much, but I am so grateful for that time with just Chris and I. Chris and I traveled, we camped, we did basically whatever we wanted. Chris for a few years was in a country music band, and they were very good. In fact, if you know Tim Gates' music, that is who Chris played keyboards for, and it was so fun traveling and being a "roadie." Then, eventually, we decided we needed to get serious and focus on adoption and going to the Temple to be sealed together. The adoption process was hard, but very rewarding and Chris and I were never closer...going to the Temple often and loving life. Finally, the miracle of Riley happened and we were finally a family!
     In October of 2003, I was home being a mommy, and Chris came home from work one day distraught and upset...he said, "Brook, I can't see!" We immediately called a doctor and got him into the eye doctor...blood vessels had erupted in his one good eye (Chris has a fake right eye) and he couldn't see through all the blood. Chris was given a blessing by our sweet Bishop Haider. Chris had eye surgery and with lots of prayers Chris eventually he regained his sight, we were so worried Chris would never look at our sweet baby ever again...but he did.
     We moved back up to Lehi in 2005, Chris had a better job offer, and I wanted to nearer family with my new baby. Life was good, Chris was working at a great job making good money, we had a new home, we were trying for more children, even working with the foster care system with great kids...life was right where it should have been.
     We must have gotten too comfortable because in 2010 Chris became permanently blind, losing his job, I had four kids at home, boy the Lord must have had a lot of faith in us.
     The year 2014 was one of the worst to date, Chris was diagnosed with Aplastic Anemia, which means his body was unable to make any blood. Roughly, Chris needed a transfusion about one to two days, in Salt Lake at LDS Hospital...30 minutes away from our home. During that time, Chris had heart failure, chemo-twice, and a third of his lung removed. We did this routine for about two years!
     We found a test drug that was supposed to help Chris grow blood cells, and it did work for approximately one year; until 2016. In the summer of 2016 Chris started to have a hard time breathing, so I took him back up to LDS Hospital...he was in ICU about 4 times. On top of no blood, he now had developed a lung disease, and was near kidney failure. He didn't leave the hospital from June to August 26 (one day before Riley's birthday). Chris missed my 40th birthday and our 20th wedding anniversary. Chris being gone for so long was very difficult on the kids and I, me more physically because of the driving late back and forth to the hospital daily.
     Chris was home for a month, I believe, and then we had to rush him to the hospital again. This time, the doctors told us that Chris had a mass in his pelvic area and they were going to removing "boy parts," Chris was very upset, he had become unable to use the restroom on his own, couldn't walk well and was falling down. Fortunately, if that is a right word, they didn't remove anything, but this mass was wrapped around his spine. Many times during his recovery, they had to go back into his back and remove more of this mass, he is still recovering from this mass...he was on IV antibiotics for nearly two months, and now on oral, thank goodness, that was tough.
     Chris is a shell of himself now, he isn't that loud, laughing, singing, joking, crazy guy. The blood cancer doctors has told us that there is nothing else they can do, they won't give him blood on the account that his body just eats the blood and platelets, and the blood he gets, because he has had SO many blood products it hurts his heart....heart attacks, too much iron. We are managing his symptoms, and keeping him comfortable (if you can call it that). Chris is in a wheelchair full time when we can get him downstairs and outside, it is difficult getting the chair in and out of the car, I tell myself, "if I was older, man I couldn't do this!"
     It is so hard watching my husband lie on the couch and can't move, and when he does, he is very unbalanced. Chris is throwing up hourly. Chris has lost a lot of weight. Recently, not having much of an appetite. Just the other day, I was helping him into the other room and he fell flat on his back and hit his back on the hard part of the couch, and again flat on the floor barely missing the TV stand. Chris will completely pass out on me, and the other day he wouldn't come out of it at all. Chris falls and it is so hard for me to get him up. Chris stays at home when I am at work and I worry about him so much...if Chris falls he can bleed out and if my kids come home and see him I don't know what I would do.
     If someone would have told me that my life with Chris would be so difficult, I still would have picked being with my Chris. Chris is a child of God, he has been through so much in his life and I hate to see him struggle so much. He has deteriorated so much this past few months and I worry so much about him passing on, but he is stubborn, but that is ok! What will I do without my Chris? I don't know. I don't want to find out. I love you Chris.