Value of Pain

     When I think of pain, there shouldn't be any value in it, right? Who wants pain and angst in their life? My first thought when I know something horrible is going to happen, is, "I can't handle this, it is too hard; I want to run, hide, escape from this pain!" No value in pain!

     Everyone of us knows times of heartache, sadness, or at the least, the feeling of being alone in this world. A friend of mine, has a daughter who just went through a heart and lung transplant, another lost her father and daughter within weeks of each other, those may be big heartaches, but we all have little heartaches, such as coming home from work to a messy house, running out of gas....they all suck! Yes, I said suck, sometimes life just sucks!

     What is the value of our pain, or what do we get from all of our suffering? Some people say all of our trials are for our own good! What? Screw that theory! When I am holding my husband's hand, and see the muscles, or lack thereof, and try to remember the beautiful music that used to come from these hands, I can't help but think, "what is Chris supposed to learn from this pain? He doesn't deserve this, my kids don't deserve this. My kids won't even remember the beautiful spirit that poured from his soul, as he played the piano. This isn't fair! What is the value of Chris suffering, and the kids watching Chris become less and less involved in their lives? My kids suffered already! My kids were homeless, abused, starved prior to coming into our home...I thought, "no way, Heavenly Father knows these kids have been through enough, Chris has to get better!"

     Well, being pretty hard-headed and stubborn it has taken me many years, yes years, to find the value of our pain! 

     The worry of my kids being disabled by this life somehow, is real, but the value of this life is starting to shine forth. My kids, at times, have sat in a hospital for days and hours, for years now, the value...compassion for people in all walks of life, seeing others in the worst times in their lives and reaching out their hands in love. Having received food from our church, which is a huge blessing, our kids have experienced the value of, "extras" that the church may not provide, such as, a loved one bringing Doritos, or even Spagettios, as a treat....the value is enjoying things in life, not just expecting it to be there. A value that I am excited to witness, are my kids reaching their potential in life. As my kids deal with medical issues daily, some of them for seven years now, I can see how amazing they are turning out to be. Riley, won an award in a Science Fair for showing how blood works. Kenley, just this last week was in the District Science Fair for proving how different brains work. All of my kids can test blood, and give shots to their dad, and for fun we all discuss how the body works! Maybe, just maybe they needed to experience these trials to become something great and change someone's life.

     One of the biggest values I have gained is depending upon something greater than ourselves, learning the love of friends and neighbors, and having that faith and prayers fulfilled through others, the hand of Christ. As my family, struggles, we have learned to trust in the Lord, lean on Him when we just can't stand anymore. I pray, that my kids have that faith, and as they get older and witness and suffer in their own pain they will fall back on the knowledge, or value, that they are loved by so many, and most of all that as they suffer, God hasn't left them, but held them as they cry. 

     If the suffering and pain that Chris and I endured is for the greater good of our children, I know Chris and I would do it again, as many of you would, as well. Our value of pain is great. 

     Now, I don't pretend to have this issue down pat, mind you, I am an addict and I find anyway to escape from this pain, but step one in the LDS 12 Step is honesty, and I am trying to admit that I cannot do this alone. Have I mastered step one? Um....I have been working on this step for six years! However, I have never talked openly about my family's turmoil (the big stuff) or my struggle about how imperfectly I am handling this situation! I am learning, as I talk to others who have read my blog, that they feel good about what they read, and if my mistakes and mess ups help you in any way, that my friend is another value for me and you! 

     What is the value for your trial and heartache in life?