Normal?

 

    In our family we have become so desensitized to things, things that some families may be completely disgusted over. My kids and I can keep leading life as usual, as Chris struggles, literally next to us.
     As I was cleaning my kitchen floor, I heard a familiar sound, a too familiar sound. As I looked into the family room to check on my ill husband, I was a bit saddened by what I saw. My kids, watching TV, Chris struggling to breath, moaning, and trying to throw up, without making too much noise in front of the kids. My kids didn't flinch, I wasn't too concerned, I knew it was pass in a minute. When did we become so comfortable with Chris' battle?
     Chris has become a permanent feature in our family room, and we sort of live around him. Chris yearns to be "normal" again, but we have come to accept he is just getting too bad for "normal."
     Sitting in my bathroom, as an escape from our life, as a place of peace, I fall into a deep sense of despair....wondering, " how can I do this? What can I do to help my family?"  The thoughts in my head are so loud, can't they just stop for a minute?
     If I could share a personal experience....I guess this is all personal, ha, but this is really special to me. One night, as my husband was in the ICU near death with heart failure, I had come home one night and I couldn't get my mind to calm down! "What am I gonna do if he dies? God is punishing you! You deserve this hell your going through. You are so weak! You can't make it through this! You are so stupid!" I did not know what to do. My dear, sweet friend and Bishop, gave me a Priesthood blessing, I immediately felt calmer. He then advised me to read my scriptures until I felt better. I fell asleep reading my scriptures and woke up reading them. Being stubborn, I abandoned this counsel.....I don't need Him or his scriptures!
     A year later, and after a lot of pain and challenges, I am gripping to come back. Without going into to much detail, I have lost so much being an addict....I can't loose anymore.
     As Chris lays with his head on my lap as I write about our truths....I realize our normal is dealing with a terminally ill father and best friend, and maybe, just maybe my kids are learning so much about life, and if they become better people because of our struggles, it will have been worth it!
     This is a scary thing writing about our "normal," I pray that as I write these experiences it may help someone else struggling.
     What is normal anyway? It's way overrated! Oops, I need to go help Chris...he is at it again!