Tonight I forced myself to a 12-Step meeting that is put on by my church, in an effort to help me deal with the things happening in my life right now. Admitting to you all that I need this meeting may shock or surprise you, but I have learned a lot in the past three weeks about myself that I am done pretending to "have it all together," and step out from the darkness of isolation and into the light of freedom from depression.
As I spoke in my meeting I felt compelled to share my new insight. Many years now I have hidden in isolation from people, ashamed of who I am. As the years have gone by, I would sit in my bathroom overwhelmed with my life, unsure of what to do.
My friends would ask, "what can I do?" "How are you?"
"Oh, there is nothing, I am great."
Lies, I was dying inside. People were always saying how proud they were of me, and I would feel worse that I was failing and they didn't know the truth. So, I isolated more, isolated from friends, family, church, God; I didn't deserve their love. Little did I realize the more I isolated from everything, I was only getting worse.
As Chris has progressively gotten worse with his health.....isolation has been my best friend, so I thought. As I have hit a rock bottom, I am trying to claw myself out of the dark into the light. Why did I not see that the further I was from the spirit of my Heavenly Father, the darker I got? Hence, this is why I have decided to stop hiding and be "real," yes, I am not holding it all together like I show, no Chris is not doing well, and I definitely need my Heavenly Father and Savior in my court.
I want to return to the Temple, I want to know my worth, I want to be able to ask for help, and accept it, I want to help others who also feel isolated...and help them into the light.
This is going to be a hard road, and it is hard being vulnerable, and admitting I can't do this alone without my Heavenly Father. In admitting these things....I hope to someday feel worthy to pray, worthy of His love, and have him lift me as Chris struggles and be able to care for him the best I can.
Thank you for allowing me to open up and heal.
As I spoke in my meeting I felt compelled to share my new insight. Many years now I have hidden in isolation from people, ashamed of who I am. As the years have gone by, I would sit in my bathroom overwhelmed with my life, unsure of what to do.
My friends would ask, "what can I do?" "How are you?"
"Oh, there is nothing, I am great."
Lies, I was dying inside. People were always saying how proud they were of me, and I would feel worse that I was failing and they didn't know the truth. So, I isolated more, isolated from friends, family, church, God; I didn't deserve their love. Little did I realize the more I isolated from everything, I was only getting worse.
As Chris has progressively gotten worse with his health.....isolation has been my best friend, so I thought. As I have hit a rock bottom, I am trying to claw myself out of the dark into the light. Why did I not see that the further I was from the spirit of my Heavenly Father, the darker I got? Hence, this is why I have decided to stop hiding and be "real," yes, I am not holding it all together like I show, no Chris is not doing well, and I definitely need my Heavenly Father and Savior in my court.
I want to return to the Temple, I want to know my worth, I want to be able to ask for help, and accept it, I want to help others who also feel isolated...and help them into the light.
This is going to be a hard road, and it is hard being vulnerable, and admitting I can't do this alone without my Heavenly Father. In admitting these things....I hope to someday feel worthy to pray, worthy of His love, and have him lift me as Chris struggles and be able to care for him the best I can.
Thank you for allowing me to open up and heal.
You have struck a huge cord with me here. Maybe I need to seek the same help.
ReplyDeleteThis is the greatest thing about our Heavenly Father. It doesn't matter how far you fall, or how alone you feel - all you have to do Is ask, and he will lift you up and carry you. 💕
ReplyDeleteIt's takes courage to face these things and be honest and open. I'm so proud of you. It is hard to be told how strong you are when all you did was try to survive. I understand. And I know, no matter what, you are deserving of prayer and help from your heavenly father.
ReplyDelete