All of us feel anxiety, be it large or small. Anxiety for me is a huge part of my life, an unwanted part, mind you. My anxiety has gotten extremely worse in the past few months. It starts in the form of a knot in my stomach, my mind races, my heart is beating out of my chest, and boy oh boy, the sweats. The worst part of anxiety for me can be the worry, anger, and hatred towards myself.
Anxiety is worrying about the future, depression is worrying about the past....and by golly I have both. My day is a constant struggle of depression...dealing with my past life, and anxiety, which is worrying about what is to come or my ability to keep handling my current situation. What will happen today? Will Chris be alive much longer? Are my children going to be okay dealing with all this at such a young age, and for so long?
People are constantly telling me how strong and brave I am, but if they only knew what a failure I am at times. Sometimes I question God, sometimes I get angry, and how can I forget what a horrible parent I am at times....
What I wouldn't do to get rid of this pit in my stomach, to feel worthy, to be enough.
Chris continues to be lethargic and rarely aware of us. He struggles to keep anything down, and can barely grip a fork. This not knowing what's next is so hard.....
Reading this is good for me, because while my struggles are different, the feelings are the same. It makes me think that how I feel is more normal, than not. Thank you so much for sharing.
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