The hours have passed by quickly; too quickly. The moon was rising as I started my night, and now the sun brings in the new day as my night is closing...no sleep in sight. My mind raced all night; one minute about the kids, the next about Chris, the house being clean, the lawn being mowed (is it too early to mow), the bills being paid...and it hits me, "Chris is not making his own blood." Tonight, as I sat in our "not too comfy," brown, hand-me-down, leather chair, trying to fall asleep...I realized just how serious the situation we are in, really is, and I started to cry, alone in this beat up, brown chair. Why am I always having these sad moments, alone?
Last fall, I was sitting in a woman's growth class over at UVU, and someone stated, "we are most connected to people when we are finally vulnerable and exposed." Being exposed and vulnerable is not my strong suit.....it is more like my stretchy, not-so-supportive, old swimsuit, not strong at all. Independent, strong-willed, stubborn, quiet, now, that is my strong suit....avoiding "hard" conversations, that is a talent I have perfected over time.
Sometimes, I wonder, do people really want to know how I feel? Feelings of sadness, loneliness, anger, frustration, happiness; these are feelings humans feel, no one is exempt, unless of course, you are medically unable. Are we willing to admit to our peers that we feel these feelings, sometimes yes, but others I think we shy away from exposing ourselves in fear of rejection and ridicule...but don't we all feel these feelings at some point in our life or another? Can we learn from each other? Can we have better relationships with our family and friends?
During this trial in my life, of Chris' illnesses, I have been very strong (on the outside), stubborn, unwilling to accept that our life is any different than it was eight months ago, unwilling to let people in to my real feelings and let them see me vulnerable. There have been times in the past six months that I have sat in the halls of the many hospitals, crying, wishing I had someone by my side, holding my hand...did I ask? No. Should I have asked? Yes. Was I unwilling to admit that I needed people? Yes.
Several months ago, after many months of hospital rooms, driving many miles, late hours watching my husband sleep, our Bishop came to me, and did not ask if I needed help, he stated..."this trial is not only for you. We need to learn to serve;" I was uncertain of what to say, I couldn't say, "no." So, for a month, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, we received meals from wonderful ward members who loving cooked for my family; and to tell you the truth, it was a relief to have my family fed.
When I sit down to write, I think, "should I say that?" Well, I am trying to work on being vulnerable and honest with my feelings; I never know who else is feeling the same way, and maybe being open can bridge gaps in relationships and start new ones; learning from one another.
My motto in life is, "walk in other's shoes first." Never will I look at someone and assume their life is perfect. Never will I look at a person who seems to have it together and think, "they don't feel bad about themselves." We all have feelings, we all have doubts, we all have trials, we all have that voice inside our head that challenges us everyday...for good or bad. When we start to look at people as "people," we can finally be "real."
Now, this post is odd, and I know it sounds a bit preachy, but tonight I have been thinking a lot about sharing how I really feel, and if it is okay, and if it is okay that I am sad or angry about my situation...and I have to think, "yes, I can't be the only person that feels this way, there has to be someone else."
When I see so many people on the Internet that are so positive and inspirational...and I think, "wow, why can't I feel that way all the time, they must really be a good person, where am I going wrong?" No, I have to believe that my being honest and raw about my emotions is real, even if it is sad or anger, and it is difficult to hear.
Please, don't get me wrong, I have many days of inspiration and gratefulness, and I know I am blessed beyond measure...but I believe my openness can start "real," conversations, and we can strengthen our relationships with each other that will last forever; being vulnerable isn't that bad, after all. I guess I need to buy a stronger swimsuit.
Did this make any sense?
Last fall, I was sitting in a woman's growth class over at UVU, and someone stated, "we are most connected to people when we are finally vulnerable and exposed." Being exposed and vulnerable is not my strong suit.....it is more like my stretchy, not-so-supportive, old swimsuit, not strong at all. Independent, strong-willed, stubborn, quiet, now, that is my strong suit....avoiding "hard" conversations, that is a talent I have perfected over time.
Sometimes, I wonder, do people really want to know how I feel? Feelings of sadness, loneliness, anger, frustration, happiness; these are feelings humans feel, no one is exempt, unless of course, you are medically unable. Are we willing to admit to our peers that we feel these feelings, sometimes yes, but others I think we shy away from exposing ourselves in fear of rejection and ridicule...but don't we all feel these feelings at some point in our life or another? Can we learn from each other? Can we have better relationships with our family and friends?
During this trial in my life, of Chris' illnesses, I have been very strong (on the outside), stubborn, unwilling to accept that our life is any different than it was eight months ago, unwilling to let people in to my real feelings and let them see me vulnerable. There have been times in the past six months that I have sat in the halls of the many hospitals, crying, wishing I had someone by my side, holding my hand...did I ask? No. Should I have asked? Yes. Was I unwilling to admit that I needed people? Yes.
Several months ago, after many months of hospital rooms, driving many miles, late hours watching my husband sleep, our Bishop came to me, and did not ask if I needed help, he stated..."this trial is not only for you. We need to learn to serve;" I was uncertain of what to say, I couldn't say, "no." So, for a month, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, we received meals from wonderful ward members who loving cooked for my family; and to tell you the truth, it was a relief to have my family fed.
When I sit down to write, I think, "should I say that?" Well, I am trying to work on being vulnerable and honest with my feelings; I never know who else is feeling the same way, and maybe being open can bridge gaps in relationships and start new ones; learning from one another.
My motto in life is, "walk in other's shoes first." Never will I look at someone and assume their life is perfect. Never will I look at a person who seems to have it together and think, "they don't feel bad about themselves." We all have feelings, we all have doubts, we all have trials, we all have that voice inside our head that challenges us everyday...for good or bad. When we start to look at people as "people," we can finally be "real."
Now, this post is odd, and I know it sounds a bit preachy, but tonight I have been thinking a lot about sharing how I really feel, and if it is okay, and if it is okay that I am sad or angry about my situation...and I have to think, "yes, I can't be the only person that feels this way, there has to be someone else."
When I see so many people on the Internet that are so positive and inspirational...and I think, "wow, why can't I feel that way all the time, they must really be a good person, where am I going wrong?" No, I have to believe that my being honest and raw about my emotions is real, even if it is sad or anger, and it is difficult to hear.
Please, don't get me wrong, I have many days of inspiration and gratefulness, and I know I am blessed beyond measure...but I believe my openness can start "real," conversations, and we can strengthen our relationships with each other that will last forever; being vulnerable isn't that bad, after all. I guess I need to buy a stronger swimsuit.
Did this make any sense?
You always make me laugh and cry when I read your blog! You have such wise things to say, and you teach me so much with your words and your example. I'm sorry you have moments of lonliness. It is true that no one really understands what it is like to face the trials you have had to face. But know that you are loved by so many, and we are here to help if you will let us know how. And so many prayers are coming your way! We love you!
ReplyDeleteI agree completely with you. I know you have many friends but I am always willing to listen and talk. We may have different situations right now but I can understand many if your feelings.
ReplyDelete