Who am I?

Tonight, I had a rare opportunity to swim all by myself with no children; it was so much fun. Sometimes, when you are a mom, wife, everything to everyone around you...and your husband is in need of your every minute, you forget who "you" are. 

The quiet sound of the filters sounded in my ears as I floated quietly for minutes...with no thoughts, except of relaxing every muscle in my body, it was amazing, it has been years since I haven't thought about something! Really? Aren't we always thinking? What is for dinner? Did the kids get their homework done? When is this project due? Did I do Chris' IV? Did I get that paperwork in? Do I have enough money to cover this bill or grocery charge? Did I wash the kids' uniforms? When is Chris' next doctor appointment? We are so busy, and we forget to sometimes enjoy life, it goes so fast, and really is so precious. 

For the last couple of years, I have taken life for granted...coasting by, going through the motions, living life for everyone else, but myself. Finally, this past year, I have decided I am worth fighting for, and it is hard, but I fight everyday to remember who I am and fight for "me." Willing to give up on myself, the past couple of years, I struggled to want to live this life anymore...am I really worth anything, does anyone even notice me, do I matter? 

Heavenly Father is certainly challenging me...he wants me to learn something with all these trials. Maybe, maybe I am meant to find myself. Who is Brook? How smart am I? Can I really maintain a family with a disabled husband, two special needs children, and of course Riley, and maintain my sanity on top of everything. I guess, I can...I have to, because I am meant to be something important and impact this world for good; there is a purpose for me. 

My education is important to me, I will continue to go to school and grow....even tonight, I get a message from LDS Family Services asking me if I wanted to look into scholarships available! Truly, I am blessed and watched over...meant to grow as a mom, wife, and daughter of God. 

Honestly, I struggle, I look in the mirror and I still wonder, do I matter in this world? Do I mean anything to anyone? I have to believe, yes, I have to fight. It is so hard to ignore the negative voice that rings in my head..."you are such a loser, you really are failing! Look at your house how messy it is, and your kids, they are suffering, your husband should have better, why are you so lazy, why do you exist?" I am human, I have faith and love my Heavenly Father, but I am struggling with, "why?" 

My raw feelings may seem a bit dramatic, and I apologize if I seem so ungrateful, but this blog is for me to get my feelings out and share my story...this is my story and it is not perfect, but honest. I am not perfect, but I am me...and I am learning to slowly love myself. Maybe, by spending time for myself and learning who I am again...I can find "me." Maybe, I can be someone in this little old world that makes a difference; I have to believe I can. I can.