January 26, 2013

January twenty-sixth is a day I will not soon forget; the day my life changed.

Chris and I had planned a special day for the kids, a monster truck rally. Since Chris has become legally blind, funds have not been "great." However, I saved and found some good prices for a monster truck rally at the Maverick center in West Valley. Our kids have sacrificed along with Chris and I, giving up a lot, going without, and Chris and I wanted to do something for our kids, finally. 

A week before our special outing, Chris started to feel kind of sick, we thought maybe a kidney infection. A week before the rally I had also found out I needed to have brain surgery. Wow, what a week that was, but nothing was going to stop us from having some fun and seeing some trucks smash some cars! 

Chris continued to feel ill, I took him into the doctor and had him checked...the diagnosis was possible diabetes complications or kidney infection. Chris continued to go downhill...he was throwing up twenty-four hours a day, not eating, fatigued, falling down, unable to stand or walk, and he had a hard time breathing; I was scared and called my doctor again. My doctor said, "take him to the emergency room now." Of course, Chris talked me out of it, and stated he would be fine...men. 

January twenty-sixth, monster truck rally day had finally come, the kids and I were so excited! Chris woke up very fatigued, throwing up, labored breathing, no appetite, which was usual, for the past week. Finally, I put my foot down and said, "I am calling Vangie and Mark and having them take the kids to the rally, and I am taking you to the ER!" Again, from Chris, "no, the kids are so excited to go, take them. If I still feel yucky after the rally, you can take me to the hospital then." Against everything in my body, I said, "fine, but you call me if you need anything!" 

During the rally, I tried to call Chris, no answer. 

After the rally, no answer from Chris. 

Finally, the phone rang, and it was Chris. Hurrah, I was worried he was in big trouble and passed out in the locked house. Well, it wasn't much better, he stated that he had been laying on the floor since we left and throwing up, and he couldn't move or walk, and he did not sound very alert; he had heard me call, but couldn't get to the phone. Freaked out, that is exactly what I did...."are you okay? What can I do? Can you open the doors for Mark?" Our doors were locked, Chris was passing out on the floor, I immediately started to drive very fast...almost hitting a truck. Vangie called Mark to have him go get Chris and take him to the ER, but Mark was not home....Ah! You know, that moment we all dread, being away from home when something horrible happens. 

It took me about thirty-minutes to get home, a very long thirty-minutes. Vangie took my kids, and I ran in the house to behold my husband on the floor, very out-of-it, and very pale. After much probing and arguing, I finally got Chris down the stairs and into the car, barely. I have no doubt that my Heavenly Father blessed me that day with getting Chris down those stairs and into my van....I should not have been able to get him down the stairs, as we would later find out why, and just how bad it was. 

I drove to the hospital as fast as I possibly could, ran into the ER to get a wheel chair, and wheeled my husband into the ER with all the strength, exhausted...he looked bad, really bad. Chris was vomiting, passing out, unable to talk, pale as a piece of paper. 

Twenty minutes later, Chris was laying on a bed in the ER, he was safe, I felt much better...my husband would be okay. Unfortunately, nobody could start an IV on Chris, nobody could find a vein to get him the fluids he badly needed. Eventually, they put a line in his shoulder. I was so scared, what was going on? How could his diabetes be this bad? Why was my husband so pale and unresponsive? 

"We found out why you look so poorly," a nurse stated, "okay," I thought, "then tell us." A doctor followed the nurse in..."we don't know how you and your wife got you in here, or why you are still talking to us, you have no blood in your body!" I almost fell out of my chair! How could this happen? 

Words were flying everywhere, "cancer, bleeding, leukemia, prostate, colon, transfusions, admission to hospital." What? Wait a minute, I thought this was just a diabetes complication? Chris was looked over and tested for any signs of bleeding internally....it was a good thing he was incoherent, some of those tests were not very fun and invasive. 

As Chris was being wheeled away for x-rays on his chest, I was shocked, started to cry...I didn't know what to do, who do I call, do I call anyone? I felt so alone surrounded by all the hospital staff as I feared for my husband's life. A kind nurse came over to me, "don't worry, it will be okay...don't worry about the money," she must have seen the look in my eyes, "how am I going to pay for this?" Chris does not have insurance...we have tried mind you, but was he was denied. 

As I followed Chris to his room in the American Fork hospital, my heart hoped for this to be something "fixable." 

After multiple blood transfusions, bone marrow biopsy, x-rays, visits with many doctors and administrators; we still did not know what was wrong with Chris after a whole week. Was my husband going to be alright?  

So, as the story started this twenty-sixth day of January, it was full of fun with my kids, monster trucks, cotton candy...and ended with blood, sitting in a hard chair watching my unconscious husband, yearning for this nightmare to be over.

As I think back to this day, I am filled with guilt, I should have taken Chris into the ER when I had my first inclination. How could I have left my husband? My poor husband was in extreme distress, as I screamed and yelled for a stinky monster truck to crush a car.....as I sat with my amazing children. However, I look back at that day and think that was my last day with no cancer, no fear of my husband dying, no chemotherapy, no lung removal, no biopsies, no hospital beds or ICU...a feeling of safety replaced with uncertainty; I guess I will look back at that day and love that day with my kids, but hate that day....because the ending of that day is still happening and it has not stopped. I yearn and pray for these days to end, so I can feel safe again...I wish that day would end.