Hello, it has been a while since I just typed a blog post...no pictures, just me.
My life has been a little crazy the past couple of years, and I am not complaining, but it has been a little hectic. Since Chris and I have decided to become foster parents, it seems that life just hasn't been...boring. Life has been a scary, fun, exciting, sad, hectic roller coaster (you know, like after you ride the coaster after eating)!
As you know, Chris has been out of work since last May; it has been a year since Chris has been out of this house longer than 2 hours by himself. Wow...typing that makes it seem so weird. It has been a year, since I haven't had a moment in my home alone (I miss being alone). It has been a year since I haven't worried where my kids are going to get food, haven't worried if we will lose our house, wondered if Chris will ever go back to work, and thought if Chris will ever get his complete eyesight back.
Since May of 2011, I have done all I can to keep everything the same...like our lives haven't changed; it has been hard and stressful.
In May of 2011, Chris had his first surgery, we were told that he would be back to work in 2 weeks. We used all of Chris vacation and sick pay. June 2011, Chris had his second eye surgery, we were told he would be back to work in about a month. We applied for short-term disability. July, Chris had another small laser treatment. One more week. Chris' eye sight was worse than ever. At this point, we still had our foster kids, so I was able to help out a little financially....we were okay. August, Chris' job fired him. We applied for long-term disability. September, our foster kids were returned to their home...a bitter/sweet moment; and to be honest scary for me because that was some of my income (we never got into foster care for the money, but it was helping). September 2011, school was back in, which meant I was able to babysit again (thanks Mrs. Wood), and I started to look for odd jobs to supplement my foster income. September 2011, I started at Halloween City in Orem. So, I was babysitting in the day, working at night in Orem...and trying to be a good attentive mom and wife. November 2011, Halloween City was closing for the season, what was I going to do? R&D Excavating called me in November, so I started as Denise's office assistant, which was and is a huge blessing.
Working has been so fun for me, being a stay-at-home mom for eight years, it is exciting to grow mentally and feel the joy of seeing goals accomplished in my jobs. There are many rewards of being a full-time-mom, but now I get to be a full-time-mom and work at the same time.
In December of 2011, I started to become a little overwhelmed. I was tired beyond control, and I was questioning if I was succeeding in any of my intentions of being a good provider and mother. I saw my kids going without, my husband sitting at home, and yes...we were struggling in all aspects of life.
January 2012 came around, and because of dear people and friends, Christmas was saved for my kids...so I was feeling a little better. However, I was struggling with my confidence...I was not doing my best for my family, so I thought.
February rolled in, and I was working and parenting the best I could. I would wake up do my best, shove my inadequate feelings deep down in my stomach. I was hurting. We were on the verge of losing the house, my home was nearly empty of food, both my cars were broken and out of gas, the power was being turned off, bill collectors were calling all the time, my mom was in the ICU, and I was tired, this was not how it was suppose to be! I was broken; I needed someone to fix this, somehow! Nobody saw how I was feeling, nobody knew just how bad I was feeling inside, how inadequate I was feeling as a mom and wife. I was failing everyone. I felt alone....even though I knew I was not. There is only one person who knows this, but I actually was hospitalized because of stress and pressure in February. This was my wake-up call that I needed to give-in and ask for help.
March, I pulled myself together...many people came to our aid, Rob and Densie and Trudy's dad fixed my truck, a ward member and my parents helped with the van, my mom was doing better, and I gave in and asked for a food order from the church, I was pulling out of the despair of doing it all by myself.
April, a new light. I decided that I needed to go back to school and get a good career under my belt. I have decided to go into Social Work; I have always had a desire to serve children who have no voice and woman who need one. So, yes, I am working three jobs, being a mom and wife, and going to school...but I love it. I still am struggling with feelings of inadequacy and feeling bad that my kids don't have what other kids have and experience vacations and outings, and that mom shops at the dollar store for most of our home supplies...but they are happy, right?
I want everyone to know that I am grateful, I really am, I have dear friends and loved ones. I have a beautiful family. I get the opportunity to grow everyday, and fight for everything I have, and I guess I should be proud of myself that my family is together and we are alive...and laugh everyday, no matter what. We could have it worse, right?
Wow...I didn't know I was going to get that all off of my chest, sorry! Please, please, don't think I am complaining, I am grateful for the life I have and the trials I get to endure to get to the end goal of returning to my Heavenly Father. "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."
My life has been a little crazy the past couple of years, and I am not complaining, but it has been a little hectic. Since Chris and I have decided to become foster parents, it seems that life just hasn't been...boring. Life has been a scary, fun, exciting, sad, hectic roller coaster (you know, like after you ride the coaster after eating)!
As you know, Chris has been out of work since last May; it has been a year since Chris has been out of this house longer than 2 hours by himself. Wow...typing that makes it seem so weird. It has been a year, since I haven't had a moment in my home alone (I miss being alone). It has been a year since I haven't worried where my kids are going to get food, haven't worried if we will lose our house, wondered if Chris will ever go back to work, and thought if Chris will ever get his complete eyesight back.
Since May of 2011, I have done all I can to keep everything the same...like our lives haven't changed; it has been hard and stressful.
In May of 2011, Chris had his first surgery, we were told that he would be back to work in 2 weeks. We used all of Chris vacation and sick pay. June 2011, Chris had his second eye surgery, we were told he would be back to work in about a month. We applied for short-term disability. July, Chris had another small laser treatment. One more week. Chris' eye sight was worse than ever. At this point, we still had our foster kids, so I was able to help out a little financially....we were okay. August, Chris' job fired him. We applied for long-term disability. September, our foster kids were returned to their home...a bitter/sweet moment; and to be honest scary for me because that was some of my income (we never got into foster care for the money, but it was helping). September 2011, school was back in, which meant I was able to babysit again (thanks Mrs. Wood), and I started to look for odd jobs to supplement my foster income. September 2011, I started at Halloween City in Orem. So, I was babysitting in the day, working at night in Orem...and trying to be a good attentive mom and wife. November 2011, Halloween City was closing for the season, what was I going to do? R&D Excavating called me in November, so I started as Denise's office assistant, which was and is a huge blessing.
Working has been so fun for me, being a stay-at-home mom for eight years, it is exciting to grow mentally and feel the joy of seeing goals accomplished in my jobs. There are many rewards of being a full-time-mom, but now I get to be a full-time-mom and work at the same time.
In December of 2011, I started to become a little overwhelmed. I was tired beyond control, and I was questioning if I was succeeding in any of my intentions of being a good provider and mother. I saw my kids going without, my husband sitting at home, and yes...we were struggling in all aspects of life.
January 2012 came around, and because of dear people and friends, Christmas was saved for my kids...so I was feeling a little better. However, I was struggling with my confidence...I was not doing my best for my family, so I thought.
February rolled in, and I was working and parenting the best I could. I would wake up do my best, shove my inadequate feelings deep down in my stomach. I was hurting. We were on the verge of losing the house, my home was nearly empty of food, both my cars were broken and out of gas, the power was being turned off, bill collectors were calling all the time, my mom was in the ICU, and I was tired, this was not how it was suppose to be! I was broken; I needed someone to fix this, somehow! Nobody saw how I was feeling, nobody knew just how bad I was feeling inside, how inadequate I was feeling as a mom and wife. I was failing everyone. I felt alone....even though I knew I was not. There is only one person who knows this, but I actually was hospitalized because of stress and pressure in February. This was my wake-up call that I needed to give-in and ask for help.
March, I pulled myself together...many people came to our aid, Rob and Densie and Trudy's dad fixed my truck, a ward member and my parents helped with the van, my mom was doing better, and I gave in and asked for a food order from the church, I was pulling out of the despair of doing it all by myself.
April, a new light. I decided that I needed to go back to school and get a good career under my belt. I have decided to go into Social Work; I have always had a desire to serve children who have no voice and woman who need one. So, yes, I am working three jobs, being a mom and wife, and going to school...but I love it. I still am struggling with feelings of inadequacy and feeling bad that my kids don't have what other kids have and experience vacations and outings, and that mom shops at the dollar store for most of our home supplies...but they are happy, right?
I want everyone to know that I am grateful, I really am, I have dear friends and loved ones. I have a beautiful family. I get the opportunity to grow everyday, and fight for everything I have, and I guess I should be proud of myself that my family is together and we are alive...and laugh everyday, no matter what. We could have it worse, right?
Wow...I didn't know I was going to get that all off of my chest, sorry! Please, please, don't think I am complaining, I am grateful for the life I have and the trials I get to endure to get to the end goal of returning to my Heavenly Father. "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."
It is like reading a page from my life...I have all of those same feelings all of the time. I will pray for you and your beautiful family! Going back to school is a wise endeavor! I continue to be amazed by your strength.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you have had a hard year. I think about you quite often. I wish I could put you on my back and carry you every day to make your load easier. That would probably hurt us both!!! :)
ReplyDeletePlease ask for help. I don't want to push myself on you...I feel like I have done that in the past. Let me know what you need...or that it's ok to force help and attention on you. I have backed off lately because I have thought that I was intruding. I miss my friend and being around your sweet spirit.
I hope you don't mind I read your blog! I miss having you as a neighbor. I admire your hard work and faith. You have a wonderful family and you are a great, strong woman. I feel bad that I wasn't there to help you out more.
ReplyDeleteI love you, my friend.
ReplyDelete