Sunday, I was teaching my sweet 8 and 9-year-old kids in Primary about the Plan of Salvation, and boy, did I feel as though I should have been sitting among the class...not teaching the class.
Our Heavenly Father put us on this earth to test us, to see how well we handle this "life" and see if we are faithful and return back to Him. We knew this plan, we accepted this plan, we jumped for JOY for this plan, and sometimes, I wonder what I was thinking? I wanted this?
Among one of the questions that the kids had for me Sunday, were: "what are trials?"
WHAT ARE TRIALS? That is a loaded question isn't it? Smiling, I told these innocent, young kids, trials are for our own good, and trials are for our growth, we never know the real reason of our trials until we come through them and look back and say, "wow, what a trial, I am better for having gone through this." Sounds good right? Well....how come I still STRUGGLE with "why ME?" when I know all those great answers already!
I KNOW and I have faith in the Plan of Salvation, and I believe that I shouted for "JOY" when I was presented with this wonderful plan....and I do believe that I can be with my family again in the afterlife, if I do my best and have Faith. With that being said...I still am human and still struggle, isn't that why I am here?
So, I am struggling with "why us?" Tonight, Chris had, yet another, Infusion and I am tired....mentally.
When Chris and I first met, I had no idea that our life would be so "up-and-down." For those of you that may not know, Chris was born with health problems, and it runs deep in his family...he has lost his mother, brother, and sister to complications to Diabetes. Chris' mother was very young when she passed away, being very sick when Chris was a baby...Chris was also having problems when he was a baby and one of his eyes was taken with complications, and thus it began.
Chris has been working on his Diabetes since about 1997, but doctors believe that he has had it since he was young, but was unattended. For any of you that know anyone who has Diabetes, it is not easy, constant carb counting, shots multiple times-a-day, and finger pricks constantly!
In 2003, Chris, as I have mentioned before, went completely blind because of complications to Diabetes...and we are constantly praying this doesn't happen again. I don't think I could handle my husband not looking me in my eyes ever again...that is how I see his beautiful soul. He really does have a beautiful soul. I know....this is all for growth!
In 2007, Chris was then diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that attacks his nerves...in which he requires an 3-hour IV infusion every three weeks to keep him going....so he doesn't become paralyzed and die. He is 38. WHY! Why is Riley's "norm" to see her father strapped to an IV every few weeks and doesn't give it a second thought as she runs and plays around the IV pole, and that Colleen the nurse is like a close family friend? That's how all families are, right? As I am sitting here, I have tears running down my face because I ache to talk to the Savior and ask Him why does he require this of us? I know He is there, but He seems so far away right now.
All I ever wanted back in 1996 when Chris and I were married was what every young bride wants....kids, house, and to be happy. I have all those things don't get me wrong, I am blessed beyond measure, simply because I know my Savior is there for me, and He loves me, but the thing I can't wrap my mind around is I must have known how incredible this Plan of Salvation is, in order to say, "yes, PLEASE, send me down...put me through the PAIN." Now, in 2010, all this young bride wants is my husband, I would gladly give up everything in my life, just so Chris, Riley, and I could be together for as long...as possible.
I can't wait to see the end result, and feel my Saviors arms around me, and know ALL this was for NOT.
I feel bad that I have been complaining...and I guess, I am. I will feel better tomorrow. Here we come, ready or not 2010.
Funny...I just thought of something, speaking of marriage, Chris proposed to me today 14 years ago today. Where did the time go? It has been difficult, but worth it....oh, look at that, I just said, "wow, what a trial, it was worth it." Go figure.....
Our Heavenly Father put us on this earth to test us, to see how well we handle this "life" and see if we are faithful and return back to Him. We knew this plan, we accepted this plan, we jumped for JOY for this plan, and sometimes, I wonder what I was thinking? I wanted this?
Among one of the questions that the kids had for me Sunday, were: "what are trials?"
WHAT ARE TRIALS? That is a loaded question isn't it? Smiling, I told these innocent, young kids, trials are for our own good, and trials are for our growth, we never know the real reason of our trials until we come through them and look back and say, "wow, what a trial, I am better for having gone through this." Sounds good right? Well....how come I still STRUGGLE with "why ME?" when I know all those great answers already!
I KNOW and I have faith in the Plan of Salvation, and I believe that I shouted for "JOY" when I was presented with this wonderful plan....and I do believe that I can be with my family again in the afterlife, if I do my best and have Faith. With that being said...I still am human and still struggle, isn't that why I am here?
So, I am struggling with "why us?" Tonight, Chris had, yet another, Infusion and I am tired....mentally.
When Chris and I first met, I had no idea that our life would be so "up-and-down." For those of you that may not know, Chris was born with health problems, and it runs deep in his family...he has lost his mother, brother, and sister to complications to Diabetes. Chris' mother was very young when she passed away, being very sick when Chris was a baby...Chris was also having problems when he was a baby and one of his eyes was taken with complications, and thus it began.
Chris has been working on his Diabetes since about 1997, but doctors believe that he has had it since he was young, but was unattended. For any of you that know anyone who has Diabetes, it is not easy, constant carb counting, shots multiple times-a-day, and finger pricks constantly!
In 2003, Chris, as I have mentioned before, went completely blind because of complications to Diabetes...and we are constantly praying this doesn't happen again. I don't think I could handle my husband not looking me in my eyes ever again...that is how I see his beautiful soul. He really does have a beautiful soul. I know....this is all for growth!
In 2007, Chris was then diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that attacks his nerves...in which he requires an 3-hour IV infusion every three weeks to keep him going....so he doesn't become paralyzed and die. He is 38. WHY! Why is Riley's "norm" to see her father strapped to an IV every few weeks and doesn't give it a second thought as she runs and plays around the IV pole, and that Colleen the nurse is like a close family friend? That's how all families are, right? As I am sitting here, I have tears running down my face because I ache to talk to the Savior and ask Him why does he require this of us? I know He is there, but He seems so far away right now.
All I ever wanted back in 1996 when Chris and I were married was what every young bride wants....kids, house, and to be happy. I have all those things don't get me wrong, I am blessed beyond measure, simply because I know my Savior is there for me, and He loves me, but the thing I can't wrap my mind around is I must have known how incredible this Plan of Salvation is, in order to say, "yes, PLEASE, send me down...put me through the PAIN." Now, in 2010, all this young bride wants is my husband, I would gladly give up everything in my life, just so Chris, Riley, and I could be together for as long...as possible.
I can't wait to see the end result, and feel my Saviors arms around me, and know ALL this was for NOT.
I feel bad that I have been complaining...and I guess, I am. I will feel better tomorrow. Here we come, ready or not 2010.
Funny...I just thought of something, speaking of marriage, Chris proposed to me today 14 years ago today. Where did the time go? It has been difficult, but worth it....oh, look at that, I just said, "wow, what a trial, it was worth it." Go figure.....
I've missed you here on your blog. You always put my own life into perspective. Thanks. I love you both. Hang in there.
ReplyDelete-Trudy
I feel for you and Chris. I loath trials. What were we thinking? I know as well as you that we grow from them. Not sure how, but He has a bigger plan for us and one day I will know and understand. You truely are a sweet person. Hang in there!!!!
ReplyDeleteLeslie :)
So, Brook, first I would like to state for that record that we are still looking forward to dropping the baby off one weekend! Things got outta-control busy for a minute with Christmas and the New Year and now Jason gets to work and go to school again full-time. So we are still looking forward to the break!
ReplyDeleteSecond, so I feel like you do a lot of the time. We really need to chat and visit more. I feel like we have so much in common when it comes to stuff like this. It's so weird. I have been thinking about church a lot latley and my faith in the church. I have been trying to think of a way to make sure that I get us to church every sunday this year. I have been coming across a lot of people latley with insprational thoughts that makes me feel not so alone. You are now "one of them". How weird is it that the spirt can sometimes speak to you through others.I sometimes feel that everyone around me has such perfect faith all the time and hearng others who are strugglng with their trails makes me feel like I can face mine a little easier. I'm having such a hard time because in a way I feel like I'm not good enough to be at church becasue I feel like so many just arn't strugling at the level I am. If that makes since. Anyway, didn't me to lecture you here with a novel!
I didn't realize that Chris was having to endure so much. That has got to be scary. If you ever need anything or need to talk or vent just call me!!! Please!
We love you guys bunches (((HUGS)))
Our thoughts & prayers are with you & family.
ReplyDeleteWe hope that 2010 is a better year for you& family!
You are an amazing woman! You have such great Faith and Strength! I want you to know that I have always known that you are incredible, and now even more so. Our thoughts and prayers are with your Husband and sweet family. Better days, I am sure will come :-) The Lord will continue to bless you. Thanks for sharing and beings such a great example to me!
ReplyDelete