One o'clock in the morning, and I cannot sleep. I think I have too much stuff going on in my head for sleep. You know the kind of night, the one where you cannot stop thinking about all the stuff you have to do...and don't want to do.
Recently, I have been having a kind of slump, a road block...I guess.I don't know what to make of it...I just seem to have a lot of stuff I have to figure out in my life and I can't!
Usually, I do not speak of not being able to have biological children, for the most part it does not bother me, but lately it really has bugged me. Becky made the comment to me the other day on the phone that there are...at this moment....12 women who are pregnant in our ward. TWELVE! Why? What did they do right in life, that I did not? Why does God feel that they should carry children, and I shouldn't? Am I not good enough? I will never get to feel that bond of a child growing in my womb, have my husband look at me pregnant and say, "you are the mother of my child," or say, "you are so beautiful pregnant." The reality is...I will not get to experience that! For thirteen years, I have had to deal with all kinds of situations with babies...and I feel that I have handled them well, with friends, family, neighbors, people who just shouldn't be having children, all of them! I don't really get angry or mad at woman who can have children, I know that my lot in life is adoption, I have come to grips with that reality...and love the experiences I have had and would not trade them for the world. I love my Riley.
However, it is hard sometimes when I hear woman complain that they are pregnant; at least you are PREGNANT! Finally, I have wanted to get this off my chest for over 12 years, but it really hurts when woman say to me....at least you didn't have to give birth. Are you serious? What I wouldn't give to have that experience! I have to wait years just for a child....maybe a child. I would go to the ends of the earth to have a child half-me and half-Chris, and be able to leave this earth and know that a part of me was left behind....when I die, what part of me will be left here on earth...biologically? Nothing. My gene ends here. My laughter, my humor, my chubby everything, my ugly dishwater hair, Chris' beautiful eyes, big head, and his amazing spirit....will not be carried on.
I hope that I have not depressed any of you, I actually feel better, having a little cry, pouring out my heart to all of you...whether you like it or not. Ha. I don't mean any offense to anyone...especially all of you who have given birth...like I said, I am in a slump, I will get over it.
So, to leave on a good note, however, Chris and I are working on getting back on the list to adopt once again, and we are pursuing the avenue of Foster/Adopt with the State. I will not let this little thing called INFERTILITY stop me in my dream of being a mother. For some of you, I know you are going through this same thing right now, please know that I pray for you, and I pray that you will have the awesome opportunity to be a mom someday....
Well...it is two o'clock I guess I should go to sleep now. Please...no hate mail.
Recently, I have been having a kind of slump, a road block...I guess.I don't know what to make of it...I just seem to have a lot of stuff I have to figure out in my life and I can't!
Usually, I do not speak of not being able to have biological children, for the most part it does not bother me, but lately it really has bugged me. Becky made the comment to me the other day on the phone that there are...at this moment....12 women who are pregnant in our ward. TWELVE! Why? What did they do right in life, that I did not? Why does God feel that they should carry children, and I shouldn't? Am I not good enough? I will never get to feel that bond of a child growing in my womb, have my husband look at me pregnant and say, "you are the mother of my child," or say, "you are so beautiful pregnant." The reality is...I will not get to experience that! For thirteen years, I have had to deal with all kinds of situations with babies...and I feel that I have handled them well, with friends, family, neighbors, people who just shouldn't be having children, all of them! I don't really get angry or mad at woman who can have children, I know that my lot in life is adoption, I have come to grips with that reality...and love the experiences I have had and would not trade them for the world. I love my Riley.
However, it is hard sometimes when I hear woman complain that they are pregnant; at least you are PREGNANT! Finally, I have wanted to get this off my chest for over 12 years, but it really hurts when woman say to me....at least you didn't have to give birth. Are you serious? What I wouldn't give to have that experience! I have to wait years just for a child....maybe a child. I would go to the ends of the earth to have a child half-me and half-Chris, and be able to leave this earth and know that a part of me was left behind....when I die, what part of me will be left here on earth...biologically? Nothing. My gene ends here. My laughter, my humor, my chubby everything, my ugly dishwater hair, Chris' beautiful eyes, big head, and his amazing spirit....will not be carried on.
I hope that I have not depressed any of you, I actually feel better, having a little cry, pouring out my heart to all of you...whether you like it or not. Ha. I don't mean any offense to anyone...especially all of you who have given birth...like I said, I am in a slump, I will get over it.
So, to leave on a good note, however, Chris and I are working on getting back on the list to adopt once again, and we are pursuing the avenue of Foster/Adopt with the State. I will not let this little thing called INFERTILITY stop me in my dream of being a mother. For some of you, I know you are going through this same thing right now, please know that I pray for you, and I pray that you will have the awesome opportunity to be a mom someday....
Well...it is two o'clock I guess I should go to sleep now. Please...no hate mail.
My wish is that all your dreams will come true.
ReplyDeleteB
Brook~I love you!
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty, and your heart.
I wish I could make your dream come true...but I can't, all I can do is be there for you....and please know that I am, any time♥
Somethimes we need to get off our chest.To feel better!
ReplyDeleteIt took us lot to have a baby.See our first baby was a stillborn.( we felt why can't we have a baby,it was hard to see babies at the store). Then it took alot of work to get my daughter.so I kinda know how you feel. Even more to get my son.That's why they are 5yr apart.
As for my having speical needs.He has Asperger's.He is fine! But its like high funtion Autism.We just have to watch him more.Like he does like noise,etc!
ReplyDeleteThank you Brook for this post. I have been very down lately. we haven't been able to stay pregnant. I have miscarried twice now. The last was a month ago. I am having blood work done to see if that will tell us anything. I wish you luck and pray that you can add to your family soon.
ReplyDeleteFeeling down must be in the water or something, because I have been feeling down too. I think we as women, carry too much burden. I to have nights where sleep does not seem to come. Whether it be children or things racing through my mind. I hope the best for you, Brook, you have a wonderful spirit!
ReplyDeleteBrookie! You and Chris are such sweet spirits. It takes extraordinary people to want to take in these children with unique situations. You are doing a job that not just anyone is capable of doing. You are doing the Lords work taking care of His children, biological or not!!! I remeber when I heard that you were adopting Riley and I thought that you were just soo amazing! And you are! I'm really glad that you shared your feelings. It can be hard to just keep things locked up! It is nice to vent and I think that your experiences help me grow as a person too. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteIt's been a while since I caught up on your blog so I hope you get this. I want you to know, Brook, that the best parts of you WILL be left here on earth. How could Riley not inherit your laughter, your humor, or Chris' amazing spirit? I see you in her whenever I'm around. She's quick witted, and funny, and compassionate and beautiful. And like her Dad, she is courageous and her smile lights up a room. Yes, the best parts are here to stay.
ReplyDeleteThat said, it doesn't change your struggles, and I wish with all my heart that you could have one of your own. Just know that I love you, and I always remember you and Chris in my prayers. Your trust in our Heavenly Father and his plan for you is an example to me. I know that you will bless the lives of many children in your life. Oh, and that's another thing- Riley will inheret your selflessness, because you teach by example. Love you.
-Trudy
Brook - One of my favorite songs is (I think the name is) "Mary let me hold her baby." I hope that you have heard that song , it is on the Forgotten Carols cd. You have such a sweet spirit . . . to be a mother or father takes so much more then dna, remember Joseph for instance. Children are on loan to us from our Heavenly Father, it is in His and Jesus' likeness that we want them to become. You are certainly not depressing - rather inspiring!
ReplyDeleteRaquel